Dear Leon,

The following is a blog post that was written some time ago, during a wet, rainy day here in Amsterdam.

I have no idea when you will find yourself reading this or if you’d ever come across this open letter to you at all.

Today was a Wednesday, meaning a short day at school today. I did the usual routine of strapping the car seat on to the bakfiets, carefully placing Kate into the seat and cycling to school with Alex and Harvey. I didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary today.

When Lewis left for football and Billie went home to her house next door, I asked you if you wanted to come on Maxi’s walk with Kate and I. Normally, you don’t say yes because you’d rather spend the time on your half an hour screen time but today, you decided to come along. It was 4:45pm, the rain had stopped for a bit so it was the perfect time to go out and do a nice long walk around the lake.

Like our usual heart-to-hearts, we got into the topic of how long I’ve been in Amsterdam for. “Since tomorrow is February 1… It’ll be about 3 1/2 months now”, I say to you while pushing Kate’s buggy. You proceed in telling me that Lewis mentioned that Alex hasn’t reached a year with their family yet. I chuckle and correct you, telling you that Alex has actually been around for more than a year and will be marking her 2 year anniversary with their family in the summertime.

You look at me and ask, “When will Alex leave then?”

“Alex’s situation is quite unique. She’s planning to move in with her boyfriend so she’ll definitely stay in the Netherlands. But they can’t do that just yet, she still needs to save some money.”

“And he is still in school.”, you added.

I smiled. “Yes, that’s right. And to move in together, they’re both going to need money. But it’s nice for Lewis and the rest isn’t it? Alex gets to stay with them for a lot longer.”

“I wish you could stay longer.”

My heart swelled up a few sizes bigger when you said this. This always happens when the topic of me leaving comes up. What you don’t know about this time was that I was already seriously considering finding ways to stay in the Netherlands; not only because I’ve already started building a life here but also because of you and your sister. Every time you ask me when am I leaving, I bite my tongue before I could get the words “I don’t plan on leaving because I want to stay near you. I want to still be around when you become 10, 11, 12… I want to be around when Kate goes to school or when you get your first girlfriend.” because honestly, who knows? Things may change in the next few months and I didn’t want to get your hopes up.

I have not known love the way I have come to love you. Taking care of you, learning with and from you, has been the best part of my 2017 and is what I look forward to everyday. All these emotions I feel for you and Kate, I never would have expected to feel in my lifetime.

And it’s prompted by the little things that both of you do. Like when Kate makes a new sound and giggles whenever I imitate it or when you talk to me about your Harry Potter progress. I have a new appreciation for all the maids and yayas that have spent part of their lives taking care of me and my sisters.

But instead of saying all these to you, I let the emotions settle in. I look at you and touch your back and reply simply with “Me too, buddy. Me too.”

 

Don’t forget to love yourself.

I just spent a good portion of my day watching Youtube videos of people giving expert advice as to how to get someone to be attracted to you. I was doing this because I wanted to find answers. Weeks ago, I met a guy that made my heart skip a beat. He was the person that I always said never existed: someone who could make me fall head over heels at the first meeting.

After pondering over these alien feelings, I realized that I had indeed fallen for this person who was essentially, still a stranger to me. I’ve barely skimmed the surface of what makes him a person and yet, he’s the only constant thought that I have every single day since that first encounter. I will even go as far as saying that I think I’m already in love with him.

How strange is it to feel this way about someone whom I barely know.

Continue reading “Don’t forget to love yourself.”

Inner monologue

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It’s been so long since I’ve “written” anything with my magnets. So many times, I would sit there staring at all the words and come up with nothing. There was nothing that inspired me and there was nothing to be said. But finally, FINALLY, something came to me.

I woke up at 3AM this morning. I tossed and turned for a good hour before deciding to just give up and get up and eat. I decided to plan my week and catch up on some writing. This year, I decided that I was going to start writing in a journal again but the catch is I wouldn’t just write whenever I had something to say. This year, I will write about every single day of 2017 and haven’t missed a single day so far.

It was while writing that it came to me. I pulled up a chair and stared at all the words once more. I slowly weaved them together until they made sense. I felt triumphant and relieved that I finally got it off my chest.

March, like every month that came before it, was tough on me but it gave me something the others did not: laughter. I laughed and cried so much in March. It started off difficult but redeemed itself in its last days. I met old and new friends. I experienced and learned new things. I finally got back on the mat and my practice is slowly steadying itself like before. Life is good and I’m hopeful for the months to come.

The first month of being single

It took me a while to publish this post. I spent a lot of time staring at the earlier drafts and with time, it was slowly forgotten. It has actually been 4 months since the break up. I am still single but have gone through many realizations.

What you are about to read is my last draft of my reflections on the first month. I left it as is so the emotions are quite fresh with a sprinkle of bitterness.

The most important thing I learned from these four months of being single is this: In order to move on, I needed to forgive (him) to forget (and move on with my life).

Everyone has their own way of coping with heartache. For some, it’s engaging in intimacy with the first male in sight. For others, it’s crying and eating uncontrollably or maybe shopping ’til you’re so broke there are new scratch marks on your credit card (ahem). All these, I’ve sadly either done or contemplated on doing these past few weeks.

So imagine my surprise on New Year’s Eve, after scrolling through what felt like an eternity’s worth of New Year’s greetings on Facebook, that it finally hit me what I needed to do to pick myself up. If I had to describe it, it was like finally realizing that your grade went up and you’ve been wearing glasses with the wrong prescription this whole time. You take them off and think, “So this is why I’ve been getting all those headaches.”

The answer was always there with me, from the very beginning. I was feeling helpless, trying everything to move on as quickly as possible but lo and behold, I subconsciously already knew what the answer was.

Continue reading “The first month of being single”

On that day in the car

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Day 352/366

We sat there, quietly making our way along a highway that we’ve passed a million times before. The song comes on and I start tearing up while thinking of everything that we were letting go off and leaving behind. I look at you as if it were the last time and you were crying as well.

Despite everything, all the fights, the tears, the screaming… despite knowing that this was the only way, we held on to each other like we always used to do. We said nothing because we already knew what didn’t need to be put into words.

Nobody said it would be easy leaving the person you loved most.

 

The first week of being single

Because everyone loves juicy gossip.

2016 has officially roundhouse-kicked my butt. You’d think things can’t get any worse than the recent Presidential elections, chaos in Syria, the whole Marcos debacle, losing a loved one… then comes life proving you wrong and reminding you that you are not never in control.

And even if I’m a pretty optimistic person (at least, I’d like to think so), this was a blow unlike other blows. When you separate from someone you’ve put alot of time and effort and love in to, the world becomes a glassy version of what reality is. It’s like stepping into that other world they keep talking about in Stranger Things, it’s familiar but not at the same time. That’s where I’ve been living for the past week, somewhere that looks like my day-to-day life minus all the colors.

Continue reading “The first week of being single”

On being myself

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Day 4/366 thoughts

In 2015, I struggled with finding a creative outlet to keep me sane while I worked my dreary day job. I tried joining an online art class and started a sketch-a-day project (among other creative projects) and, surprise surprise, I wasn’t able to stick to any of them.

So this year, I’ve decided to “try” and rekindle my high school love for writing. I used to write for the school newspaper (only features because I can’t for the life of me, write anything news related) and kept journal since the first grade so maybe MAYBE this’ll stick for the whole of 2016.

The rules are simple. Just keep piecing together words until I see something post-worthy. There is no limit to my posts nor is there a required amount of posts. Just. keep. creating.