2015 is My Ugliest Year

Confession: This year, all my self esteem issues that I thought I conquered came back tsunami wave style.

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I grew up a fat kid. In the 9th grade, I already weighed in at 130 pounds (59 kgs) and I was already wearing a size 36B bra. I was the biggest in my barkada and maybe even one of the biggest girls in my batch (MAYBE an exaggeration but it felt like it at the time). The self-hate started when my grandmother wouldn’t stop telling me how fat I was (4th grade) and that I needed to lose weight and be sexy like Wowowee girls (noontime show with dancers in pieces of fabric covering only their vital areas which they referred to as “costumes”). Over the years, my demons grew and grew. It took a backseat when I discovered that I was actually smart (just lazy) and kind of pretty (if I had just lost the baby fat). I didn’t begin to start shedding the pounds until my last year in high school but this was because of stress and skipping meals. I started losing more and more as the stress levels shot up because of college life and moving away from the comforts of home.

My sexy 2013 self
My sexy 2013 self

Finally in 2012, after three episodes of Gastroenteritis and being forced to adapt a real health-conscious lifestyle, I was just right. My body was toned and I exercised 4-5 times a week. I could wear pretty much whatever I want and I would get hit on very often. I mentioned getting hit on because it is/was (?) how I measured my attractiveness (something that I am forever ashamed of). It’s so conceited, I know. Believe me, I didn’t really realise that I was doing this until last week.

Fast forward to the present: I am now close to 160 pounds (73 kgs) and extremely unhappy. I started gaining weight when I stopped exercising and focused on my Graduation collection. This was exactly one year ago, September 2014. Since then, I have graduated, finished internship, joined a couple of classes unrelated to fashion and got my first real job. All with no exercise and ALOT of fast food. And because Manila is so shitty, I decided to stop commuting as well because I simply cannot endure the long lines and terrible service any longer. If Ralf couldn’t drive for me, I would book a very expensive Grabcar which pretty much sucks my wallet dry. There was no time, money and willpower to get back to my fit lifestyle.

Since I cut my hair early this year, I lost that girlish charm that brought the boys to the yard and because I’ve gained so much weight, my figure is now lost in a sea of body fat. All year, I’ve had breakdowns because of the weight and eventually, became depressed. All I wanted to do was stay home and ignore all the signs that I needed to do something about my situation. I dug a deep hole and wallowed in self pity. It is not my proudest moment, considering that I was/am (?) an advocate of body love and loving yourself unconditionally.

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So why am I talking about this? What was the point of this post again?

I’ve known for a while that it was time for me to pick myself back up. I started going back to the gym and yoga last August but my routine is still inconsistent. I’m still trying to find the balance between work and working out. Not to mention that I’ve been working on something BIG with my folks this past 3 weeks and it’s been taking a lot of time and money.

I promise I’m not making any excuses. I promise that I’m really really REALLY trying. <- this is me making excuses again.

I was talking to Ralf about how I felt today. About where I am and how I’ve been handling my insecurities lately. He told me that I was on the right track and I should stop being so hard on myself.  I have to stop torturing myself with all these thoughts but I can’t stop. But saying out loud how I felt made me feel a lot better and it made me realise things. Things that I feel are important enough for me to share because maybe somewhere out there someone is feeling the same way too.

2015 is my ugliest year. I made a conscious decision to focus on my career and not my physical appearance. I worked hard and set my goals and took the necessary steps to make my dreams into a reality. I spent a lot of time, effort, tears, and money on my future. I’ve read enough books, articles and essays from strong, inspiring women that have convinced me to set the standards for myself high because I deserve more. I will work and work and work on my passion and eventually it will see me through. I just need to endure the hardships now because no successful person got to where they are now without struggles.

Because I chose my career, me finding time to exercise took the backseat. This made me severely depressed but today will be different. Today I am reminding myself where I am headed and what I need to do. And that it’s okay to be insecure; that one day, I will wake up and finally make peace with my issues. This is all part of a bigger plan.

I promise to not make excuses anymore. I promise that I will be fit again by my next birthday (February next year). I promise to keep my head in the game and stay focused on making things happen. I promise to love my body no matter how much weight I gain and not subject it to any more fast food meals, fad diets and dietary supplements. I promise to work hard on it like how I work hard on my [future] career. I promise to try to see myself through the eyes of the people who love me; a strong and beautiful person no matter what the scale says.

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I hope that if you’ve made it this far, you’ve come to realise that you’re not the only one going through this. Even the best of us have bad days and it’s okay. It could be the curse of being a millenial or it could just be because I’m a girl with some deep-rooted self-esteem issues. Who knows. For now though, I’m glad we had this talk and that you’ve decided to stay for the end of this post. I am forever grateful.

I’ll be ending this post with an excerpt from Amy Poehler’s book “Yes, Please” which honestly, hit the nail on the head right down to the last word.

Hopefully as you get older, you start to learn how to live with your demon. It’s hard at first. Some people give their demon so much room that there is no space in their head or bed for love. They feed their demon and it gets really strong and then it makes them stay in abusive relationships or starve their beautiful bodies. But sometimes, you get a little older and get a little bored of the demon. Through good therapy and friends and self-love you can practice treating your demon like a hack, annoying cousin. Maybe a day even comes when you are getting dressed for a fancy event and it whispers, “You aren’t pretty,” and then you go, “I know, I know, now let me find my earrings.” Sometimes you say, “Demon, I promise you I will let you remind me of my ugliness, but right now I am having hot sex so I will check in later.”

Other times I take a more direct approach. When the demon starts to slither my way and say bad shit about me I turn around and say “Hey. Cool it. Amy is my friend. Don’t talk about her like that.” Sticking up for ourselves is the same way we would on of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works. Even demons gotta sleep.

Goodnight, my demons.

Calorie Counting Diets in Manila – Delicioso! Day 02

Hello people! Here’s Day 2 of my CalCount program with Delicioso!

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day02I was really surprised with yesterday’s set because there were so many containers! Definitely made me happy because it didn’t look like I was on a diet. However, they didn’t edit the lunch portion so I have no idea what exactly I ate for lunch (lol). I just know that it was chicken and noodles on the side. 

 

Shiitake Mushroom & Leek Quiche
Shiitake Mushroom & Leek Quiche

 

Sadly, I did not enjoy breakfast but only because that it was another egg based meal and probably because it was pretty bland (but isn’t diet food supposed to be bland to begin with?). I confirmed this when Ralf came over and was excited to try the two left over pieces that I did not eat. He finished it but he also said that it was pretty tasteless for a Quiche. I did drink the unsweetened iced tea with my breakfast and it was basically the house tea that they serve in Chinese restaurants only chilled. Since I didn’t finish my meal, I ate Day 01’s dinner instead (which was pretty good because I LOVE broccoli but I wasn’t able to finish because the serving was big) and the gelatine. It’s not exactly what you’re supposed to be having for breakfast but oh well :p

 

Chicken with tomatoes and other vegetables with pasta on the side
Chicken with tomatoes and other vegetables with pasta on the side

‘m really sad that i don’t know what this is called and what’s exactly in it! This was definitely a big serving (probably because the meat was chicken breast) and the pasta was not regular pasta. If I remember right, it was kind of sweet but this meal and the nuts I had for a snack definitely kept me full til the evening.

 

Mini Greek Meatballs
Mini Greek Meatballs

Since Ralf wanted to eat at Trattoria for dinner, I decided to order the soup of the day and iced tea so that none of the servers would kick me out since I brought outside food. I don’t know for a fact if they actually would but it’s better to be safe than sorry. I also had a piece of bread and a bite of his pesto during dinner. These Greek Meatballs tasted exactly as named: meatballs. The sauce didn’t really improve the taste (or maybe it’s just me) because it really felt like I was just eating balls of meat. After the third piece however, I found myself to already feel full! I only ate 4 1/2 out of the 6.

Are you guys thinking about ordering from Delicioso? I checked their website and saw that they also offer the Cohen diet and the South beach diet. They can also do catering for your events! So far I’m enjoying my meals so I suggest you give them a call in case you’re thinking of losing weight or are trying to maintain your present weight.

Oh and they didn’t deliver for today (August 25, Monday) since it’s a holiday 🙂 Day 3 will be up tomorrow night or the following day. 🙂

Calorie Counting Diets in Manila – Delicioso! Day 01

Last week, I was browsing through my usual budget websites (and yes there are more than one that I check on a weekly basis. I’m a cheapskate) and while scrolling through Groupon, I saw that there was a deal for a food service called Delicioso!. Here’s the screenshot:

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So for P1429.00, you get 5 days worth of food (3 full meals + extra stuff like snacks) and all the meals are pre-calculated to only amount to 1200 calories per day. Admittedly, this is not the first diet that I’ve subjected myself to. The first one I did was by the Fitness Gourmet which is basically the same thing; they also prepared 1200 calories/day meals for a week. If you wanted to continue the program, you just had to message them through email, facebook or text. I did Fitness Gourmet a couple of weeks last November and I’m not so sure anymore but I think I tried another week early this year. The food was pretty good for diet meals and sometimes I would wish that there were more for me to eat. But this wasn’t my only concern with the pre-made food service. My problem was paying for meals because even if the price for a week’s worth of (real) meals was reasonable (I paid around P2,200 then P400 delivery fee), I’m still a student and sadly, I’m given a student budget when it came to food. I’m talking about all the cheap deliveries from McDonald’s, Jollibee, Tapa King and other more accessible fast food chains. Even if I want to keep a healthier eating habit, sometimes my wallet just can’t make the cut. 😦

Anyway, so I decided to document my week with Delicioso! just because I figured that someone might benefit from it. When I was looking for food delivery services in Manila, I stumbled upon other big names like The Sexy Chef and Jujucleanse (this isn’t food though, it’s juice) and I know that they have testimonials of how great they are and how many people they’ve already helped, I as a reader/researcher/food addict would still prefer to read from other people’s blogs to see if it’s legit or not.

The instruction was to get into contact with Delicioso! and give your contact details as well as the date that you would like to start your meal plan. Since I’m leaving next Friday, I had to start it as soon as possible so I decided on Saturday. I liked that they replied almost immediately and they were very accommodating with what I wanted for my one week. In experience, I’ve dealt with merchants who didn’t treat me with 100% of what their deal was offering probably because the service was discounted. Although I understand why anyone would do that economically, it defeats the whole purpose as to why anyone would be on a deal site to begin with. So when Delicioso! replied to me promptly and in a polite manner, I knew almost right away that I was in good hands. 

So without further ado, here’s what my first day (August 23, 2014 / Saturday) with Delicioso looked like:

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The food arrived at exactly 7am. I was extra tired from the night before (I finally gave in and made a tumblr account that night. Click here if you want to stalk me there) so when I answered the door, the delivery man was greeted by a half awake me (sorry Kuya!) who completely forgot that I had to prepare the voucher and the P450 delivery charge. When that was all settled, He handed me my food which was all placed in a white plastic bag that had a sticker with my name on it (how nice. I feel so special) and a strip of paper.

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Reviews:

 

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Light Spinach Fritata

I’m not a fan of eggs, period. You can call me weird all you want but I just really don’t like everything about eggs. But I have nothing against food with eggs mixed into it (like cake MMMM) just as long as I can’t smell or taste the actual egg. This fritata was manageable though. I was able to eat the whole thing (but with a substantial amount of water downed after every bite).

 

Baked Salmon Parcel with Brown Rice
Baked Salmon Parcel with Brown Rice

Now this I really liked! Maybe because I love salmon or maybe because the portion was bigger and more filling than I expected but either way, I finished the whole thing and I made sure to take my time eating it. Yesterday morning, I waited 2 hours for my doctor’s appointment (the doctor was stuck in traffic) and I was dying to eat already. After the two pieces of fritata, I was not surprised at all that I was hungry by 11:30am. I got to go home and eat at around 1pm already so you can only imagine how much of a blessing this particular meal was.

After lunch, I went to Ortigas because of H’s despedida and I forgot to bring the snack and dinner with me (imagine that). And because I was so hungry, I ate whatever food was still there from lunch (I got there around 3:30pm and they were still at the restaurant). Everything went downhill from there. When we got to H’s condo, I ate a bunch of Reese’s pieces, Seaweed (the kind that you make sushi with), Korean instant noodles, Cheetos and Pringles. Then before I went home, I had a McFlurry and a Burger McDo. Ugh. So much for my first day. 

Here’s what dinner looked like though. 

Baked Chicken Casserole
Baked Chicken Casserole

I saved the gelatin and the Baked Chicken Casserole for the next day instead. I’ll be posting Day 2 either later tonight or tomorrow morning.

All in all I’d say that I had a bad first day; not because of the food but because of my binge eating on everything else but the food that I had prepared. I’m just thankful that I didn’t have to pay for any of the food that I ate yesterday so THANK YOU FRIENDS. You have done a hungry, poor girl a huge favor.