Don’t forget to love yourself.

I just spent a good portion of my day watching Youtube videos of people giving expert advice as to how to get someone to be attracted to you. I was doing this because I wanted to find answers. Weeks ago, I met a guy that made my heart skip a beat. He was the person that I always said never existed: someone who could make me fall head over heels at the first meeting.

After pondering over these alien feelings, I realized that I had indeed fallen for this person who was essentially, still a stranger to me. I’ve barely skimmed the surface of what makes him a person and yet, he’s the only constant thought that I have every single day since that first encounter. I will even go as far as saying that I think I’m already in love with him.

How strange is it to feel this way about someone whom I barely know.

You would think that the horrors of this whirlwind would end there (but of course they don’t). I have to deal with the gut feeling that he doesn’t feel the same way about me and if there is something that I have picked up from watching several videos of Matthew Hussey, it’s that he definitely isn’t on the same page.

Matthew Hussey, a brilliant life and dating coach, made a very good point when he said that trying too hard makes guys feel like there is no chase, that the hunt is way too easy now. I agree with this. In fact, I have known this my entire life. Yet when I think of him, my mind comes to a blank. All my plays and my tactics that I have honed and perfected after many years of dating have vanished. Kaput. Gone. Bye-bye. I feel like a lovesick teenager obsessing over the star of the high school basketball team.

This is the last thing I need. I didn’t leave the Philippines and move thousands of miles away to fall in love with a person I just met. This isn’t even what I was looking for when I ventured out into the dating world yet again. I went with no expectations, just looking for a good time.

But then I realized, that was my problem. Everyone who had told me (over the past few weeks) that I needed to chill out and let this unfold on its own were right but many of them don’t understand how huge of a deal this is to me because this never happens. How I feel about him, all the confusion and assumptions I’ve made over the past 2 weeks, are because everything is so new and I didn’t know how to deal with it by myself. I looked for external advice for the answers to these problems but I’ve finally cracked the code.

This encounter with this particular person, is real. It’s fantastic, beautiful and unpredictable… just like everything else in my world. I know myself well enough to know that these feelings are genuine. I am in love with this person who I barely know. This year’s disappointments and hurt have made me scared of facing this new, beautiful challenge.

Not anymore though.

Tonight, I have decided to embrace everything. I am letting go off the anxiety so that I can become whole again, within myself and without him. All week, I’ve been obsessing with how I can assure his reciprocity to my feelings. But all along, I know that I don’t need him to feel whole. I’ve always known that but I merely forgot. I am perfectly happy with who I am and where I am. If I want to message him, then I will message him when I please. I will not alter the way I spend my days just because I’m worried as to how much interest he’ll lose in me based on my actions. If it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant to be. I’m done pretending.

Love is most beautiful when things come together organically, without the plays, the rules and the tactics. Love that’s authentic is what I choose.

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